Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
