i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I stole a fireplace last night.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
