He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
