Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
