I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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