i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
