You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Randomize
