you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
