I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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