I puked a lego.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
lets start a swedish sibling band together
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
