Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
