I cannot find my penis.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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