and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
dude. I can hear the air.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
