So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Congratulations! We have a period
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
