Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
