Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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