Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
