I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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