it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Sober January is a disaster.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
