I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
