she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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