New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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