it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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