I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
