highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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