it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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