My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
