Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
