why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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