And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
our cab driver is having phone sex.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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