just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
