upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
