awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
