My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
