Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
