she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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