He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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