just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
