I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I am midnight drunk by noon
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
