hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
