sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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