My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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