i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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