i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
