Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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