im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
