I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
