There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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