Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
