Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
