Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
So apparently I’m into choking now
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
