im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
